#21 I need to hire an assistant.

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I really need an assistant. Think like the little blonde kid that accompanied Max Fischer in Rushmore. For the record, Rushmore is pretty much my favorite movie, I feel a kinship to Max Fischer and I think that Jason Schwarzman would not only fit my "celebrity friend" criteria, but he would also be the perfect lead to play the protagonist in one of my movie ideas. That is all neither here nor there. This is about the assistant that I need that I don't have. The only problem with that is since this assistant is actually just a personal assistant, I probably can't really afford to pay them. I may be able to cobble up something nominal and there would be the perk of hanging out with an eccentric Gen Xer design guy, but that's about it. Sound appealing? Oh, there's more!

The job description sort of reads like this:

Gen Xer design VP seeking a personal assistant to help with (but not limited to) a variety of tasks for approximately 10 hours a week. Activities include taking dictation for his frequent ideas. Dropping off and picking up dry cleaning, shoe repairs, and tailoring. Will also assist in running general errands, making phone calls, reservations, etc. Applicants must have a car, be able to drive a manual transmission, have decent style (though one of the perks is free fashion advice), be personable, exhibit good writing and grammar skills, have good manners and must definitely be comfortable hearing/talking about absolutely anything. While this position doesn't pay much, or anything really, the selected individual will gain valuable exposure to design, brand strategy and eccentricity. Subservient, visionary self starters only need apply.

Sounds awesome right? No?

#20 I will pay particular attention to recurring whims.

I was thinking about it today and where many of my whims just come and instantly vanish like idea lightning, there are some that keep coming back around. Some are even so powerful when they come around, they're like the Halley's comet of whims, and thus are pretty significant, or at least are seemingly more so due to their recurrences. And while I tend to think all my ideas are pretty awesome (modestly, I swear) some are apparently more awesome than others. Take for example:

I have a feeling that writing TV show and movie treatments are something I really need to do. So this weekend I started writing my sequel to a popular movie that came out about 5 years ago. I think this one is a real winner of an idea.

My other recurring ideas are often clothing related. Some are ideas for cool garments that may not currently exist or interesting modifications and twists to existing ones.

I probably should define a frequency metric that I could use to gauge an idea's value before I pursue it. Say 3. That sounds pretty good. If I have more than 3 ideas about a subject, I should actually find a way to pursue it. Stake planted.

Oh, on second thought, that metric might not work for all of them. I suppose I should use a second idea vetting criteria otherwise some celebrities might opt for restraining orders. That would be bad for my personal brand, which has neither desperation nor felonious behaviour as part of it's equity.

#19 I want to be friends with James Franco

This is part 2 in my recurring theme. Unlike my well articulated post regarding the merits of a friendship to Gwyneth Paltrow, my desire to be friends with James Franco has less to go on. I think he has a good sense of humor, is down to earth and dresses well. He is friends with a host of personality types, from Will Farrell to well, Gwyneth Paltrow. I could totally hang with them.

#18 I will work on my movie treatments and tv show ideas

I have some amazing ideas for both films and tv shows. All these ideas are firmly etched into my brain, but there they will do no one any good except for me. I am not that selfish. So not unlike say Andrew Carnegie, as my gift back to mankind I will write my treatments and show ideas and actually try to find the proper outlets to pitch them. A couple of these I think are actually pretty great so if I don't write these, I expect to get beat up for crimes against humanity.

#17 I would like a pet owl

I recently lost a bet over a football game. I am not a gambling man, but in this case, I felt so confident my team would win, that I wagered a nice bottle of wine to one of my 3 bosses , who wisely accepted that wager. Well, upon my defeat I decided to accompany my bottle of wine with a masterfully photoshopped image of me, as a turkey adorned with Bengals stripes, as it was in fact my Bengals who lost on Thanksgiving day. Naturally I pulled up Google and entered "bengals turkey" as my search terms. To my glee, my search netted out several pictures of an owl called a Bengal Owl. I know it's a bit hipsterish, but I do love me some owls, but a Bengal owl?!? Too good to be true! Normally I actually detest birds, unless they are birds of prey. Owls are not only sort of birds of prey, but they also look like cats, and I love cats. A lot. So now I want a pet Bengal Owl. Is that legal? FYI, this is what one looks like.

#16 I will be less negligent

In this case I mean specifically about this blog, but I suppose with me it could apply to a host of things. Ideas not being one of those things.

#15 - Blog Idea #3: Jack the Cat

My cat Jack is very weird. He acts like he may have been abducted by aliens at some point and had part of his genetic make-up altered so that he is now in fact part alien and may even be in communication with the mothership. Why do I think this, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. First off he acts like he doesn't exactly know how to be a cat. For example, he won't allow you to pet him with your hands, only your feet. Secondly, he kneads like cats do, but not on people, only on socks. Thirdly, and maybe most disturbing, his meow sounds robotic. Like he's part android, like say the cat version of what Twiki from Buck Rodgers may have sounded like were he a cat and not a tiny robot. That's just some of the stuff.

So where does the blog come in? Well, I think it would be funny to write a blog written in the first person (cat actually), from Jack's perspective as if he is communicating with the outside world. I envision the first post to be sort of like his a-ha moment of finally learning how to turn on the computer or something. Then it could go a few directions. One may be that it's his daily report to the mother ship, documenting his and his keepers daily activities. Another option could be that he is in fact being held captive and is trying to figure out how to get back to where he came from. Which apparently isn't the dumpster in Madisonville where he was found.

In my head this is hilarious.

#14 I want to try my hand at acting

There is a surprising amount of theater involved in my line of work. I'm in design consulting which means I deal with many existing and potential clients. That means I have to turn on the charm to woo them or calm them when they're angry or convince them all is great when behind the scenes the place is going to hell. Smoke and mirrors are a key part of my arsenal. Well, I would like to see how those skills apply in actual acting of some kind. I have some friends who are film-makers and I have often been told I should try it. Of course that was when I was younger and better looking. Now though I have the experience and sophistication, oh, and cynicism, that only come with my older age. So, where does one start? Theater? Stand up? Homemade iPhone Youtube movie?

I don't know about fancy movie terms, acting skills, directors or obscure foreign cinema. But I do know this. I should be an actor. It's my calling. Today anyway.

#13 I'm going to post a series of themed posts called "Celebrity Friendships". This is the 1st one.

Every now and then I'll read an interview in GQ or watch one on television and I'll think to myself, 'you know, I bet such and such celebrity and I would make awesome friends'. I'm sure everyone thinks that from time to time and with some celebrities having roles which may typecast them as really approachable (a la Will Farrel), how could we not? Well, this isn't about Will Farrel, Tony Danza or even Matt LeBlanc. It's about me and my genuine belief that I could be friends with certain celebrities. Ironically, I don't get star struck and I don't actually think I'd like most celebrities, but there are a few who I am convinced I could be or even should be friends with. In my opinion, this warrants a series of posts on this blog of ludicrocities. I was going to write about James Franco tonight, but with the Gwyneth Paltrow episode of Glee serendipitously beckoning me, it is my fair Gwyneth that I will discuss instead. You'll get your turn James, fear not buddy.

I will say in advance that I think Gwyneth Paltrow is pretty hot. That's not it though, I just think she's cool. She's friends with Michael Stipe for one, who coincidentally I also believe I could be friends with, making my friendship with Gwyneth that much more awesome if the 3 of us went shopping or out for coffee or whatever. She seems pretty down to earth all things considered (her little one being named Apple not withstanding) plus she likes to travel, eat and seems musically and artistically inclined to boot. And she's multi-lingual on top of that. Oh, and she's married to the guy from Coldplay, and I love Coldplay. Not the last album so much but the others are great. On top of that, Gwyneth also likes Spain speaks Spanish and cooks Spanish food, all facts that would make my wife love and approve of her as one of my new BFFs.

So now you see how this works. It's all very logical and would totally work. Ok, so how do we do this?

#12 I came up with my "million dollar idea"

Only problem, was after gleefully sharing with some of my closest confidantes, I was told it'd never happen. The irony is that sort of cynicism is typically the territory of my generation, not the Yers I was dining with! Table turned, Mr. Bond.

Well, this idea had it all. Genius, revenue, extension, novelty, easy implementation. Everything! Problem was that it's an application of sorts and I know nothing about programming. Now I know people that do, so that's not the biggest hurdle. The main issue is that in order for my application to work, it would have to be used on another application which doesn't allow such things. Before you go naughty on me and think I'm cryptically talking about porn on the iPhone, it's not that. It's better. So good in fact, that even in doubt, I will not share it. Some day my friends, some day.....

#11 I dont feel like blogging this week

That's what I said to myself last weekend, so I didn't. How's that for follow-through?! And that's not to say that I didn't have some awesome ideas, I just didn't have the motivation to document them. Had I written them, I would have talked about things like my desire to go to Astronaut camp, or how I think I should become a motivational speaker. I also may have written about how after listening to the Glee soundtrack, I now want to get my guitar out and start an accoustic band with my friend Matty (he doesn't know this yet) and we'll play folk-punk versions of cheesy 80s songs. That would be awesome. The great thing about a whim like that, is that it spawns new whims, like naming the band, then designing t-shirts, then actually finding a venue to play these songs. Sigh.... That one does sound pretty great. Now if only I knew how to play the guitar.

#10 I would like to some day be encapsulated in glass

Not like right now, but when I'm dead. I'm assuming like most people I'll eventually have to die. I don't like it (me dying) anymore than you do but it's likely a part of my future so I have started thinking about what will happen with my body. Well, unless my space pod dream comes true, I'll probably be forced to choose between a creepy coffin or cremation. Well, I don't like either of those options to be honest. So I had an awesome idea. What I'd like instead is to be encapsulated in glass. How sweet would that be?! The way I envision it is basically that I would look sort of like those clear plastic models of the human body like we had when we were kids (do they still make those?). But I wouldn't have my organs exposed or anything, it would just be me dead in glass. Clear glass with no tint, though a bit of frosting around my goods might be nice. Don't want to have any awkward moments at the wake!

#9 I will write myself into a tv show

I got a note from an old friend of mine the other night asking me how awesome would it be if we wrote ourselves into an episode of the Jefferson's. That was a truly genius idea. Being a creative genius myself, my mind took this to extreme heights. What I envision is scouring Youtube to watch as many Jefferson's episodes as possible. Then I will select one and write myself into it. But I won't stop there. My amazing Photoshop skills will come into play. I will literally put myself into the episode. Writing and visuals merged into a symphony of optical wonder. Man, do I really have to go to work tomorrow?!? I must work on this.

#8 - Blog Idea #2: The Blog of Blog Ideas

The night that the clouds parted and god himself shone down upon me (it may have been DeForest Kelly come to think of it) to bestow upon me the awesome idea of this blog idea, I had yet another awesome blog idea, quite possibly even awesomer than this one! That blog is a blog of ideas for other blogs! I am sort of a short attention span sort of person (which I believe there may be medication for!) so ideas come and go, but again, so they don't go, I blog. And since I'm so pressed for time due to the demands of my job, my social life and my tv viewing schedule, I only can dedicate some many minutes and brain synapses to all my amazing thoughts. I will start this new blog and it too will be awesome.

#7 I will try harder to remember my daily whims

I don't know if it's my evening drinking or aging or both, but my memory is going to shit. So bad in fact, that even my amazing daily ideas don't get committed to memory. Sad. I think it's time I buy either some sort of tiny notepad that I keep with me at all times, use one of those stupid voice recorders or maybe find some sort of blogger app for my iPhone so I can just post my whim real time, as I'm having it. Genius!

#6 I will become a motivational speaker

Every Monday morning at my office we have our weekly staff meeting. This consists of about 30 minutes of various updates of the happenings for the week. Yes, it is exactly as exciting as it sounds. To get a bit more joy out of it, the last few weeks I butt in at the end to tell a story which I somehow relate to something at work. For example an analogy I made about the ballet telling a story without words and how our design presentations should too. Or today's that was about how, like a winning sports franchise, we should carry ourselves like winners and smack eachother on the ass with a little "good game" moral support and general rooting on of one another. Sort of hokey I know, yet somehow it all works. Seriously, people love it. It seems that the staff leave the meeting with just a little extra spring in their steps. I even get pats myself for the power of my pep talks and how clever and even poignant the anecdotes are. Where does my mind go with this you ask? To motivational speaking naturally! 3 weeks into this and in my head I'm already an everyday Tony Robbins. I could totally do this. I'll be the designer whisperer. This is going to totally work! And then I'll get a tv show! And then....

Weekend Wrap-up - I will wear suits and I will camp - #4 & #5

I take a break at the weekend to let my whims percolate. This weekend I did have some good ones though. Wearing suits and camping. I know, quite disparate, no?

Here's how that all came about. I will start with the suits.

Most days my work uniform is jeans and a dress shirt or jeans and a sweater. Sometimes jeans and a t shirt. Notice a pattern? Yeah, jeans. Not suits. Jeans. Well, last Monday I wore a suit to work for a client meeting. Then by some miraculous misfortune, I had to wear a suit again. On a Friday. In the same week! Ugh. What's my aversion, you ask? Well, mostly I find suits uncomfortable. They're not stretchy. You have to wear a tie. You can't bend over comfortably. The list goes on and on. But you see, they also look really cool. Sad irony, no? So since I like looking cool, and suits are universally accepted as appropriate attire, I've decided that I will start to embrace suits and wear them more often. Plus this gives me an excuse to go shopping.

So, where does nature come in? Well, the last couple of weeks my wife and I have been going to various parks and walking. It's autumn so it's nice to see the leaves changing and the weather has been lovely so being outside is just what we should be. This was a compromise you see, as I don't really care for nature activities. Mostly because of bugs, sweating and dirt. I really don't like dirt, and especially mud. I like shoes and nice shoes and mud just don't mix. Back to the nature discussion. My wife likes to walk in nature. She likes the outdoors. I sort of don't. So what do we do? Well, the few parks that we've visited actually had paved or boardwalked paths. That means no mud. It's also only been around 60 degrees, which means pretty much no bugs nor sweating. Those all combined to make our nature days actually rather awesome. Which of course made me want to explore more parks and eventually led me to the notion of camping. I know, right?!? I will not put the cart ahead of the horse here and grow a beard and outfit myself with gear appropriate for Sir Edmund Hillary. There are however some camp sites with cabins. Cabins that you can park your car near and walk across a paved lot to! Meaning no mud! That sort of camping I think I can do. If not, then maybe a nice hotel with a view of a forest or something. We'll see.

#3 I will start relying more on my sense of smell when judging things.

I think we can all agree that humans have a strong sense of smell and use it primary for obvious things, like avoiding smelly people or being drawn to the aroma of flowers or whatever. By and large though, our sense of smell I would say is just simply under utilized. In fact, smell is so powerful, it could make a powerful judging tool. I should be more specific when I qualify so broadly, but I mean this really in the context of eating, and even more specifically in the context of eating at smelly restaurants. Here's the thing, you see, I like to eat. I like good food and ambiance and all that goes with creating a fulfilling dining experience. And I'm not a snooty foodie by any means either. I love food cart food as much as Michelin star joints, and in fact, if I really think about it, I would say I know more about what I don't want in dining than what I do. So, with that, after eating at a stinky restaurant today, I have decided to no longer do such thing again.

Look, I spend A LOT of money on my clothes. I like their natural smell. I also like food and it's smell. What I don't like is when the food's smell gets stuck on my clothes and I smell like say a fucking gyro for hours after I eat one! That is totally not cool. Ventilation exists for a reason, as does Febreze. But since I will not use Febreze on $300 jeans, then open some windows at your stinky restaurant or I'm not coming back. Yes you, crepe place, gyro joint and fried fish bar. Good day sir! I declare on this global platform, for you and me, smelly restaurants, I'm afraid it's over.

#2 I'm going to randomly send people presents

Today I got a box in the mail at work. And though my first thought is always that it's a bomb, reality of my value to the world sets in and I come to the conclusion that it's likely some shitty chotchke from a vendor of some sort. So anyway, I opened it and lo and behold, it was t-shirts from one of my favorite people on earth! He sent me 2 t-shirts, one he designed and one I likely will never wear. But being a "thought that counts" sort of guy, I absolutely loved them. I mean, who doesn't like getting things in the mail, right? So with this inspiration, I decided today that I will start randomly sending people things in the mail. Safe things, like books or art or things they'd like. I'll become known as the Unagifter. Maybe I'll even get a cool mugshot of me in a hoodie and sunglasses? Who knows? I always prefer to give gifts than receive them anyway because well, most people are shitty gift givers and I'm pretty good at it. I'm not being arrogant, it's just true. Ask those who have gotten gifts from me. They're awesome.

This is exciting. I will start this weekend!

#1 - Blog Idea #1

This blog was actually a semi-drunken whim from last Saturday night, so while not actually today's whim, I did at least follow through with it! Until I get too bored or run out of amazing ideas I suppose.